Just over a year ago Coal died. Early in the week I tried to sit down and write about my old dog. I found I couldn't. I struggle with the the fact that forgetting is a part of grieving and healing. When I was 15 my friend Sean died. After a time no one talked about him and I was furious. I was young and I could not understand how people had "just forgotten about him". It seemed like a betrayal. It made the loss real. I wanted to hold on. More then 20 years later, I still remember him. Memory is strange. I doubt everything I remember about him is accurate. I remember some odd, disconnected pieces, like standing in line with him to get our report cards. I have no doubt there is much I've forgotten too. What comes first to my mind is Sean's goofy laugh. The memory that comes first and strongest, when I think of Coal, is security and comfort. I would lay on the floor with him. Sometimes I'd give him a hug, and sometimes push my face against his big furry body and enjoy the closeness. Those are good memories. Really though, I think I'm talking about feelings. The detailed memories may fade, but the feelings remain.
It makes sense that I focus on memories. Feelings make me uneasy. I like that line from Dragent "Just the facts ma'am". It seems like it should be possible to structure life with facts and actions. I have the idea that life would be orderly then. I'm wrong. Right now hurricane Gustav is striking the Gulf Coast. I don't accept that there is purpose and plan in everything. I believe in both free will and the force of nature. Sometimes, things just happen. Life is sometimes chaotic and often uncertain.
I am a feeling creature, whether I want to be or not. I'm fascinated with weather, but the reason I follow the news about the hurricane is because of both the awe and dread it inspires in me. The detailed memories of Coal may be fading, but the feelings remain. The sense of love I felt, from a cowardly, gentle old mutt who would let me bury my face in his fur and soak in his warmth.
It makes sense that I focus on memories. Feelings make me uneasy. I like that line from Dragent "Just the facts ma'am". It seems like it should be possible to structure life with facts and actions. I have the idea that life would be orderly then. I'm wrong. Right now hurricane Gustav is striking the Gulf Coast. I don't accept that there is purpose and plan in everything. I believe in both free will and the force of nature. Sometimes, things just happen. Life is sometimes chaotic and often uncertain.
I am a feeling creature, whether I want to be or not. I'm fascinated with weather, but the reason I follow the news about the hurricane is because of both the awe and dread it inspires in me. The detailed memories of Coal may be fading, but the feelings remain. The sense of love I felt, from a cowardly, gentle old mutt who would let me bury my face in his fur and soak in his warmth.
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