Skip to main content

Emotion, Memory and Coal

Just over a year ago Coal died. Early in the week I tried to sit down and write about my old dog. I found I couldn't. I struggle with the the fact that forgetting is a part of grieving and healing. When I was 15 my friend Sean died. After a time no one talked about him and I was furious. I was young and I could not understand how people had "just forgotten about him". It seemed like a betrayal. It made the loss real. I wanted to hold on. More then 20 years later, I still remember him. Memory is strange. I doubt everything I remember about him is accurate. I remember some odd, disconnected pieces, like standing in line with him to get our report cards. I have no doubt there is much I've forgotten too. What comes first to my mind is Sean's goofy laugh. The memory that comes first and strongest, when I think of Coal, is security and comfort. I would lay on the floor with him. Sometimes I'd give him a hug, and sometimes push my face against his big furry body and enjoy the closeness. Those are good memories. Really though, I think I'm talking about feelings. The detailed memories may fade, but the feelings remain.


It makes sense that I focus on memories. Feelings make me uneasy. I like that line from Dragent "Just the facts ma'am". It seems like it should be possible to structure life with facts and actions. I have the idea that life would be orderly then. I'm wrong. Right now hurricane Gustav is striking the Gulf Coast. I don't accept that there is purpose and plan in everything. I believe in both free will and the force of nature. Sometimes, things just happen. Life is sometimes chaotic and often uncertain.

I am a feeling creature, whether I want to be or not. I'm fascinated with weather, but the reason I follow the news about the hurricane is because of both the awe and dread it inspires in me. The detailed memories of Coal may be fading, but the feelings remain. The sense of love I felt, from a cowardly, gentle old mutt who would let me bury my face in his fur and soak in his warmth.
Labels:

Comments

Herman said…
For some reason I never inserted a photo and posted this when I wrote it. Instead I saved it as a draft. I did some minor editing, added the picture and finally posted it. I've been missing that old dog a lot lately, he is definitely not forgotten.
November 14, 2008 at 5:08 PM
Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Pre-dawn.

Yesterday, I took a mini-hike with my dog, Floyd. I headed out long before sunrise. (This is one of the things I love about night crew, my sleep schedule makes pre-dawn trips easy). On the drive, a large owl flew low over my car. I couldn't tell if it was a barred owl or great horn owl, but I believe it had something in it's talons. If you've never been out at pre-dawn, there's something magical about it. The world is quiet. There's no true daylight but there's a slowly brightening glimmer. The transition from quiet to song is so gradual you can miss it. Robins sing first and then come the thrushes and soon the woods are in full symphony of song. I was out of cell phone range and no humans were around. I had Floyd with me, but there's still something about that sense of aloneness that reminds you that you are a small thread in the grand fabric of life. Floyd felt it too, his bright echoed the wild spirit all around. Sunrise arrived as I was getting...
Post a Comment
Read more

"With dropper" - A bit of humor

So... on a day with lots of crazy drama at the veterinary clinic, this man comes up to the desk of the vet office. He's asking me for something, but he's either not saying it right or I'm not understanding him past the heavy accent. He shows me his phone and it says sodium chloride. I pause and then say uncertainly, "That's salt". He says yes and says solution with "dopper". I am quite sure I looked at him blankly. I am trying to learn all the veterinary pharmacy items so I can get my "clerks" license and dispense medications, but I have no freaking idea what salt solution with dopper could be. What strange medication is that? He consults his phone and says "dropper, with dropper" and show me a picture of a bottle with a bulb dropper. You would think this would clear the mystery up, but no, it doesn't. He wants saline solution that comes in bottle with a bulb and dropper? Am I missing something? So I wander to the back and ...
Post a Comment
Read more

Floyd's healing and bones

Floyd finds bones distressing. I firmly believe he was baited with food or abused around food as a pup. His early days were so full of trauma. He has gotten over a lot of his issues since I adopted him. He takes treats from people. He doesn't run away cowering if food is combined with a command. He doesn't eat so fast he chokes. One thing he hasn't lost is the stress a really good dog treat can bring him. Early on, the few times I tried to give him a bone, he'd just walk around whining. He'd put it down. pant, pick it back up and look around fearfully. I'd end up the bone away because  he couldn't relax enough to actually enjoy it. We went a long time with no bones, then I tried again. It was a similar experience, but with a little less angst. I'd take the bone away give it a day for him to calm, reintroduce it, and eventually the bone would be ok. Having it come back, even though it had been taken seemed to bring the fear level down. Then a ...
Post a Comment
Read more