I've been thinking about making this post but have been hesitant. I decided for Pride Month, to go for it. For many of you, this is old news. I am transgender. I am bisexual. I am also a man. I am also short. I am also silly and all sorts of other things. They are all labels and describe parts of me, but not all of me.
For a time I was really open about being trans. Then Trump happened and I changed my career and I got burned out on being a curiosity. I was very open about my transgender status because I wanted people to have an opportunity to talk to someone and take away the stigma and misunderstandings. But honestly, it became exhausting. I also felt like I was often seen as a trans-man, not a man. Or even a pseudo-man, not a man. After waiting decades to transition, that took a toll on me. And, going back to Trump, to be honest, it can be scary to not fit into the norm and these are especially scary times.
But people have to know, we are out there in the world. And people need to understand what it's like to walk in these shoes. I freely grant that I opened myself up to questions. And I am glad I did and some people have a better understanding of things. But I don't want to spend the rest of my life answering invasive questions over and over. I recently went to the doctor for a sinus/ear infection. One of the first questions I got, "so have you had the surgery". Why does that matter? My private parts are not in my nose or ear. Pretty much every time I go to a new doctor, I get that question and more. I have been asked about my junk more times than I can count, not just by doctors but by friends and people I barely know. I have been asked what bathroom I use. I have felt fear in a bathroom and had to dash out as a man stood blocking my way with his hand fisted. I have been asked how I could be sure I am a man. I have been told that since I date men, I can't really be a man.
And that brings me to the subject of being gay, queer, bi, or whatever adjective you want to choose. For those of you who are straight, have you ever looked around trying to figure out what kind of reaction you are going to get, if you hold your dates hand? If you ever gone into a place, with your date and felt every eye on you and known immediately that you weren't welcome and better not show any intimacy with your date? Have you been afraid to give your date a quick, affectionate date in public? Have you briefly mentioned your spouse to a customer in a topic related to work, and had a negative comment card filled out because the bare mention of a same sex spouse is "sharing too much and inappropriate". Have you ever been told to use the buddy system when walking in the neighborhood you are supposed to be safe in, because there have been numerous attacks on people like you?
Pride month is about pride, but it's not just a celebration. It's about gathering together and reminding the world that we are here and human and deserve to be treated as such. It's about being around people and being able to be completely yourself without having to worry about reactions and judgement. It's about looking around and seeing people like yourself, in all that fantastic diversity of color, abilities and disabilities, genders, age, language and more. And it is of course a celebration, because in spite of all the judgement, struggles, uncertainly, and fears, we are still here and choosing to be true to ourselves.
So, I am a short, silly, kind, man who also happens to be bi and trans. And I care deeply about my queer community members. I want all of us to be safe, accepted, understood and not a thing of curiosity. And because I care, when appropriate I will answer your questions, but my private parts are none of your business. And unless I've broached the topic (like now), before you start asking questions don't charge in asking. Ask me if it's ok. If I say no, don't be insulted and accept my answer. I may have reasons that have nothing to do with you. And if I say no, don't assume that means I'm ashamed or you've done something wrong. It may be, that it's not ok at that moment or setting. And don't assume because I'm willing to answer questions (when I am) that another gay/trans/etc person is.
And please, please don't out me or someone else. Don't go around telling people about me. Yes, I did just post it here. That doesn't mean I want to be identified as that gay/bi trans man. That doesn't mean I will feel safe all the time being out. I am the one that has to manage my safety and identity. I am the one who has to deal with this in a day in day out basis.
And I know we all have our own journeys to walk and struggles to face. As you go through yours, I wish you well. If you are here on my friend page, I care about you and understand you are doing the best you can. And for my queer friends, happy Pride. I'm glad we are in this together;
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